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By Dr. Donna Oriowo

Consider This: “You young people are asking the wrong question...You have the wrong audience...You’re asking people who hate you ‘are you pretty?’”

...and that folks is why I am writing this blog right now. Nikki Giovanni dropped such a gem, that to ignore it by not saying something further would, for me, be criminal. This quote from the GirlTrek #DaughterOf campaign that kicked off is so profoundly important. It is a mirror for how we have been living, and a road map for how we can live a more fulfilled life. To quote Nikki Giovanni again: 

“Deal with yourself as an individual worthy of respect and make everyone else deal with you in the same way.”

Seriously,  between these two quotes, you have the secret to a life fulfilled. Allow me to break it down:

You Have the Wrong Audience

There is so much to this piece of the quote, it’s not even funny. 

There are so many times in our life where we seek the approval of others never recognizing that we literally have the wrong audience. When we are told that we are beautiful by our family somehow their words are discredited. They don't count. They hold less weight, because we will say things along the lines of “you’re my mama, you're supposed to say that.” We never recognize that a mother is not obligated to love the fruits of their womb, or to comment encouragingly about their looks or value. We have decided that because our mothers, aunties, friends, dads, brothers, sisters, family love us, care for us, have watched us grow, that it means the words about our physical appearance and the type of person we are, no longer counts. (Now I'm talking about functional families. I am not talking about families who go out of their way to hurt you or belittle you, or otherwise want you to feel smaller. I am talking about birth OR chosen families who love you. Who thinks the world of you.) 

I am saying that we have decided, through the work of some hella wrong source, that their words about our beauty and character don’t matter nearly as much as the words of someone who is seeing us for the first time, or someone who doesn’t know our history. We need to prove our beauty exists in a world that doesn’t know us. That hasn’t been privy to our struggle and that doesn’t know us from the time we were just a mere thought.

Think about this: a woman I know, with the most beautiful dark skin told me that the love from her mother about the beauty of her skin hardly counts, because mama is dark too. What does she know about being beautiful if her skin is not light, and she has never been the true object of beauty. Now, grandma on the other hand. She knows beauty intimately. She is as bright and light as the sun, her skin shines as the beacon of acceptable, tolerable beauty in a world that hates blackness with all its might. Grandma’s words of affirmation of beauty count. A beautiful man that we find attractive, knows our beauty best. We know we are beautiful when we have been chosen as a partner worth having for a night or a lifetime. When Prince Charming chooses Cinderella, who can deny that she is beautiful and worthy when he, the most beautiful and worthy, as dubbed her so? 

Are you seeing the problem? We became pick me’s. The words of those who know you, or are similar to you, don’t matter. They are not the other. They are not the ones whose approval you seek. Even on this list, sometimes I have noted that we are not even on it. We seek the approval from everyone around us, but not the approval from within us. Basically, we don’t deal with ourselves as though we are worthy of respect, acknowledgement, love, and that we are beautiful. Instead we seek the words of others to affirm us and breathe life into us. How does it matter that a stranger thinks you’re beautiful, but not the people in your own home? Make it make sense. 

You’re Asking People Who Hate You if You’re Pretty

This is the conclusion. We have chosen the idea that we could be the most valuable, worthy, and beautiful if we could only get the people in the steepest area of opposition to say that we are beautiful. If we can have them act as prince charming and lift us from the obscurity of love from the people who want us. 

Here is the thing though, it makes no sense. The very people we admire and speak highly of do NOT do this! Think about it, when writing, who did Toni Morrison focus on? She told us she wanted to please HERSELF and look at how many others were also pleased. Or better yet, think about the concept of OnlyFans or Patreon. These are spaces literally designed for the people who are already in like/love with the work someone produces. This is for folk who want more, and want the exclusivity. This is a space that frees a person to create more for them than they have ever created before while at the same time allowing the people who MOST enjoy to partake. 

Imagine, you create something satisfying to you, and you invite the folk who already love you to enjoy it. Think of Beyonce, Rihanna, Nikki Giovanni, Angela Davis, of Jill Scott, Erykah Badu, think of some of your favorite IG folk. Did they create pieces of themselves and share it, or did they create for the few trolls who follow them and hate them in a vain attempt to win them over?

You’re Asking the Wrong Question

Instead of asking about your appeal to folk who hate you, you might ask why their opinion holds any sway over you. You could also ask why you seek a seat at their table when nothing they are serving is all that appetizing. 

Consider this: do you create things for folk who hate you to get them to change their minds? Do you sculpt yourself for the consumption of others? Are the words you say from YOU or only FOR them? Are you part of the audience whose approval you seek? Not just in the sense of are you part of their community, but also, do you consider YOU? Do you think about what you like, what you need, who you are and how to satisfy yourself? Does that piece, pleasing you, weigh the heaviest or is it ultimately about others? Is it ultimately about their gaze?

Is your life about seeking the male gaze or the white gaze? From the way you look to the way you speak, to how you show up. Who is it for? If it is not about and for you, you have the wrong audience.

3 Ways to Deal With Yourself as an Individual Worthy of Respect

1. When considering anything, think about what you WANT and NEED. Write it down if you must, but when someone asks you for something or you are thinking about doing something, consider your wants and needs ahead of everything and everyone else. Recognize that Moving you to first is NOT easy. 

2. If you are new to this: one day a week, satisfy yourself first. Do or say the thing that is about and for you. It can be small from eating the damn donut to large like turning off the phony phone voice. 

   1. If you are true to this: how else can you divest from the gaze of others? What is one area you have noticed that you struggle with or in? That might be the area where there is more to do. 

3. Reflect on the experience. When you do something that’s about and for you, reflect on it. We need to know and understand how it went. Did it feel different? How? What did you gain and/or lose from it? These questions speak to how it was for you and gives you space to think about what you might like to do next time. Keep in mind, that when I have challenged others to do this, they talk about how light they felt about not filtering every word or gesture through the lens of how they thought someone else might take them in. 

Like I said at the start, you have everything in you to live an authentic and beautiful life. I hope you move into considering you more and take Nikki Giovanni’s words to heart.

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