Written By: Sienna L. M.

It was in 2015 when I made the permed-to-natural hair transition. Every summer before school started, I would get this cute little bob cut. It was a staple to my overall style and suited me so well. Unlike many who make this decision, I didn’t have to do a big chop since I kept my hair short anyhow, so my “new growth” had some length. I used to be enamored with the “Black women can grow long hair, too” sentiment. But man, have I had a change of heart!

I don’t speak for anyone else when I say this. However, I know that there are so many Black women suffering from psychiatric disorders, and hair care is the furthest thing from their minds. I haven’t seen any hacks, tips, or tricks that spoke to me in my research either. Disorders are not gratuitous. They steal more than they endow. Despite the possibility that disorders have enhanced my creativity, disorders have diminished how I care for myself. Furthermore, here is my only advice to a Black woman who struggles with unkemptness and the weight of appearing undone: Just let it go and start caring LESS about hair!

India.Arie said it best: I am not my hair. I am coming to accept that for me, it is no longer that serious. The upkeep of my back-length natural hair just became too much for me to maintain with frequent and long-lasting depressive episodes. Add hospital stays into the mix where hair care items are considered “contraband”, I’ve had enough of my although beautiful crown with an intricate texture, being the thing that I had to serve, as opposed to the liberation that’s supposed to come with wearing one’s hair naturally. 

My routine became a sacrifice; one that I was no longer willing to perform. So, I’m actively freeing myself from memories of eight-hour wash days, strenuous detangling, the retwisting process, bouts of crying in between, and the daily decision of how I wanted to style my twists. I still cower when it rains. Some days, I still feel apprehension while getting out of bed to shampoo what’s left of my hair as I shower. Then, I’m reminded that I physically let it all go, now I must do so mentally.

I can tell you, it feels so good to lovingly focus on my scalp. I stand amazed gazing into the mirror and beholding my budding waves [and little curls when it’s time for a haircut, lol], and the newfound love of my perfect head shape, ears, and smile. I’ve received so much positive feedback that daily adds to my self-esteem, from men and women, young and old. My woman barber even told me, “You know, you’re blessed. There are not many people who can rock a short haircut like this. But you, you have the perfect face and head size/shape to accentuate it!”

To highlight my new cut, I’ve invested in a big square and partially cat-eyed pair of glasses. I wear hoops of all sizes and clear or glittery clear lip gloss, and I serve face all day! It’s funny that I had to part with this cultural idea of beauty, just to find the beauty that I’ve been gifted with all along. It’s a big change. It’s something that you can’t go back from. But, your fatigued body and mind will thank you for the hours that you gain back to use those for resting. I did this for myself. It made life easier for me.

Depression has humbled me, sat me down, and made me okay with everything that I see in the mirror, even when it’s not okay. On the days that I don’t feel pretty, a long observance from a male counterpart tells me that I’m still attractive. On the days that I barely can make it out of bed, I’m comforted because I remember I have one less thing to worry about. Now, I am on the journey of still caring for my edges, but learning to let go of the ritualistic lay that “hair tutors” swear by.

What is something culturally that you currently are, or may decide later, to forego to rest in your freedom as it is defined by you?

CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FACEBOOK COMMUNITY!