by Lena Queen

@sista_sexologist

One afternoon while watching Disney’s CoCo for the umpteenth time, myself laying on the couch as my daughter and granddaughter are laying on the floor in front of me (46yo)- my granddaughter, 5 years old, popped up and said, “Noni, are you a Black girl?” I smiled and said, “Yes, I am a Black girl.” She then turned to her mommy (26yo) and said, “Mommy, are you a Black girl?”. Her mom smiled and softly laughed, “Yes, Kadee, mommy’s a Black girl. Kadee then gets up, and taps me on the nose and sings “ You’re a Black girl” then singing again while tapping her mother’s nose “ You’re a Black girl” and then with a huge smile  taps herself on the nose and says “I’mma a Black girl”.  My heart just swelled with joy. Her mother and I looked at each other knowingly. That, Beautiful Humans, is when we knew our healing work surrounding the harmful messages that Black girls internalize about their worth was taking hold, not just individually, but generationally.

  I share that story because I wanted to start where I am because I see so many stories of Black girls and women, particularly dark-skin Black girls and women, expressing the internal awareness that their complexion made them less desirable. I wanted to start where I am because I wanted to share an example of the joy rooted in Blackness. Joy that comes from embodying your self-worth and knowing while one’s self-worth is impacted by how others see them, it is created by how one sees themself. In my case, generationally, show how my joy of being Black is also shared by my daughter and granddaughter. 

Black where the “B” is always capitalized. Blackness as the embodiment of how one looks, talks, walks, breaths in affirming settings, relates to/connects with others, the erotic energy/swag relating to being of African-American descent and/or African descent. Blackness is personal and comes in a variety of lived experiences. Those experiences include globally, environmentally, energetically, emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally, sexually, and erotically. 

  I know the importance of being of holding space for the Blackness. Due to the impact anti-Blackness has on one’s self-worth, healing from anti-Blackness means doing some heavy lifting in the emotional labor department-your emotional labor. Being and embracing my very melanated self, I have fallin’ in love with my Blackness. My lips, my curves, my complexion, my hair, my culture, my language, my sexiness, my desirability, and all the surprising ways I am learning my Blackness from a self-affirming POV-point of view. The joy in my Blackness I experience today in centering my relationship to myself rather than my relationship to others is the joy I hoped my daughter and her daughter would experience. Now- you may be thinking- joy doesn’t last and I would say to you- you’re right. Joy and pain are two sides of the same coin. I see all over social media that a Black woman’s happiness should not come at the cost of experiencing some type of pain. And I would say to this- you’re right. However, life and healing does not work that way either. While we know the world has become very versed in the pain they inflict upon Black girls and Black women, we also know Black girls and Black women are the most resilient and intuitive self-healers.

“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.”

-Author Unknown

So how do you quiet the noise around you, inside of you that tells you your Blackness is somehow not feminine enough, not sexy enough, not desirable enough, not Black enough? You shift from centering the perspectives of others to centering your perspective of your Self. When coupled with the practice of affirmations, you are on your way to developing a system of self-care that can impact both self- and generational healing. 

Below are the steps in creating your own self-healing practices using centering and affirming exercises:

The first step one can be challenging if you are a sacrificer. You know the one who put other folk’s need before you own, not setting boundaries, etc. As Black women, we are both the culture’s muse and sacrificial lamb and that’s gaslight-y af. Centering yourself means people are going to accuse you of “switching up” or being selfish. Let them. Remember that joy/pain coin. Centering yourself may be uncomfortable in the beginning and can be a forgotten self-care ritual if not practice regularly.

1. Centering Yourself

Remember one of these self-reflective questions that will help you move away from your un-comfortability of prioritizing your joy:

1. What is in MY best interest?

2. What is the PURPOSE of this interaction?

The second step in developing your own self-healing practice is learning how to lovingly interrupt and replace the negative thoughts and beliefs  you fight and have fought to believe about yourself and create joyful thoughts and beliefs that reinforce your value and worth despite the harm caused by those negative thoughts and beliefs.

“What we believe, we become.”

-Budda

1. Affirming Yourself

On a 3 by 5 index card, as a journal entry or in your phone, write down:

1. Three (3) positive beliefs or words/phrase of encouragement that resonates with you? Think about -what will verbally & thoughtfully reinforce the self-love and self-compassion.

2. Here are some examples:

   1. I am worthy of happiness/peace/joy.

   2. I believe in my skills and abilities.

   3. I trust my ability to provide for my needs.

   4. I give myself permission to learn, grow, make mistakes, and love myself through it all.

The healing practices of centering and affirmation can be the framework in which we experience more joy in uncertain times. They are timeless healing practices foundational to the resiliency of Blackness. Black girls and Black women deserve to embody more and see more healing-centered stories of Black women, young and mature, about experiencing joy in our Blackness from the variety of lived experiences. As the #dontrushchallenge showed, the work of #ProfessionalBlackGirls & #BlackSexualityMatters highlights, & what social media showcases the joy that comes in a variety of Black girls and women’s experiences our Blackness and its vastness deserves space to thrive. Space we first create for ourselves by centering and affirming ourselves.

Click HERE to join the Facebook community!