My Hair Journey

Written By: Shenell Tolson, DrPH

I got my first perm in third grade. Before then, I used to get my hair straightened by hot comb in the kitchen by the stove. It was a long process; the wash and detangle, the blow dry with the comb attachment so it would stay detangled, and then holding my head super still so the “steam” wouldn’t catch the nape of my neck or my ears. Then, after all that sitting still, I was not allowed to go outside and play because I would for certain sweat out all the hard work that went into getting my hair to “lay right.”

I do not remember the occasion. I am not sure if it was a holiday or school pictures. What I do remember is being in the hair salon and Ms. Pat was trying to get a wide tooth comb through my hair. As she tugged, she questioned why I sat there unbothered. My hair has always been kinky-coily or what we now know as 4C, so I was used to having someone yank at my head to get the comb through. Denman brushes were not around when I was kid. Then, the comb snapped. Yup. My hair broke the wide tooth comb. Next thing I know my momma and Ms. Pat had a conversation and she started parting my hair to put base on my scalp. Then, in went the stinky white stuff. It burned. I didn’t understand why it hurt so much, but I knew that I had to keep it in a little longer or it wouldn’t work. Afterward, I had never felt a comb run through my hair so easily before. Once my hair was dry it was past my shoulders and blowing at the catch of the slightest bit of wind. Perms made my hair much easier for my family to manage, but I hated how much it burned my scalp, even when I remembered to not scratch before my next appointment.

From that point on, perms were a part of my regular hair maintenance routine. After a perm, I was good to go. The comb slid through my hair without a fight for weeks at a time. I never learned how to care for my natural hair. None of the women in my family wore their hair natural. So, when it became time for me to begin caring for my hair on my own, perms were all I knew. It made my life easy. I was a major tomboy, so perms made it easy for me to put my hair in a ponytail and go. I learned to bear with the pain of the burn to get to the easy to manage outcome. I actually hated getting perms, but it was the easiest way to get straight hair, I didn’t sweat it out like I would with a hot comb, and I had already been doing it for years. Stopping cold turkey would have caused major damage. As I got older, I often became frustrated that there was no turning back.  I could not go back to my natural hair without first cutting the perm out of my head. There was nobody to tell me about transitioning. I thought about going natural often because perms burned so bad every time I got them. Towards the end of my undergrad years, I had been perming my hair consistently for at least 15 years (since 3rd grade). It became damaged and needed a bob-length trim. People thought it was cute, but I was a lab rat. I went to class in jeans, a tee, and a baseball cap. The bob was cramping my style.

My hair grew back out eventually and I was excited to take my college graduation photos. I had been super intentional about not scratching so I could let the perm sit in long enough to have my hair hanging down my back. My pictures were going to be everything! I don’t know if it was nerves, final exams, or something else, but the night before my photos I woke up out of my sleep scratching an itch on my scalp. It didn’t hit me until it was time to get my hair done later that day. I had to cancel my appointment. Then, I sat in tears in my grandmother’s kitchen as she took a hot comb to my head because I could not get a perm, my pics were in a few hours, and I still needed my hair straightened. I was so frustrated that a perm had that much control over such an important part of my life. Instead of celebrating graduation, I was crying over straight hair. That was the last time I ever stressed out about a perm. I had been debating about going natural and this definitely made up my mind. A few weeks later, I made an appointment for starter locs. I walked across the stage at commencement with two-strand twists and haven’t looked back.

As my hair began to loc at the root the time came to cut off the permed ends of my hair. I had two girlfriends walk me through it. One held my hand and the other held the scissors. By the time we were done all that was left on my head were buds or early locs. My Daddy hated it. My whole family hated it, but I didn’t really care what they thought as much. He was my ace. It hurt that he didn’t like my new look. They all thought it would be hard for me to get a job and that straight hair was prettier on a woman. Every holiday I was chastised about having locs. Every holiday. I was told that natural hair was unkempt and didn’t look clean. I even had an immigrant POC at work ask me why I don’t straighten my hair and “make it look nice.” I learned so much about myself during this phase of growth. Things were changing. I started to see myself without straight hair and began to love it. I took pride in the different styles I could do with my locs. My facial features stood out more.  I started experimenting with different earrings to highlight those features. I even started attracting a different quality of male suitors. 

Each year on my “locaversary” I would take a picture of my hair and track its growth and send a pic to my Daddy. The longer it got, the more comfortable he seemed to be and more accepting that they weren’t going anywhere. Eventually, the rest of the family came around too. The comments became, “who does your hair” and “it’s gotten so long.” Now, my hair is the longest (past my tailbone) and healthiest it has ever been. I have enjoyed the journey and the lessons learned. Although I do believe that wearing my natural hair may have been a factor in preventing me from getting a job, I currently work in the STEM and Public Health fields. I love that I have found a position where I can show up as my authentic self and not have to hide my hair. I love being an example for students that I meet who see me – a scientist rocking my natural hair. Most importantly, I love who this journey has allowed me to become. I definitely believe that making the decision to loc my hair has contributed to my overall confidence and increased my love of self.

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Dr. Shenell Tolson is a cell and molecular biologist. She earned her BS in Biology [and] Biology, Biochemistry, & Bioinformatics (MB3) from Towson University; her MS in Science Ed (Molecular Biology) from Morgan State University; and her DrPH (Epidemiology/Global Health); also from Morgan State University. Shenell uses her science background to help empower colonized areas of the diaspora by eliminating their need to rely on the paternalistic relationships of NGOs and other Agencies for their medical/health needs.